I’ve listened to the rhetoric from cisgender women around transgender women using the restrooms that match their gender identity with a deep feeling of horror. People say things like, “If you have a penis, use the men’s room,” or, “I have no desire to use the restroom with someone like that.” I feel those statements like a punch in my stomach. They display an astounding lack of understanding of what it means to be transgender. The underlying assumption is a transgender woman who has not had genital reassignment surgery is really a man and has no place in female-only spaces. That view completely dismisses everything transgender women have said about who they are and views them as a threat.
I don’t even have the words at the moment to express how hurtful that is. But I am ashamed to admit I get it.
Years ago I was angry and bitter after a decade of failed romantic relationships with various men. While my heart healed I sought out female-only spaces and became aware of the debate around whether transgender women should be allowed in them. Because I didn’t want anything to do with men at the time and didn’t understand what it means to be transgender, I didn’t like the idea of sharing a communal shower or locker room with a transgender woman who had not had genital reassignment surgery. The “women born women” rule made me feel more comfortable, and I said so to my friends.
My friends, thank goodness, were horrified at my callousness. While they understood my anger towards men and my desire to be amongst women, they (sometimes gently, sometimes not) pushed back at my transphobia. They hated to see someone they love hold onto a view that was cruel and ignorant.
I’m not sure when it happened, but in time (and before I got to know anyone who was open about being transgender) I realized just how unkind my view was. My understandable bitterness towards and distrust of men was no excuse to dismiss transgender women’s identity and treat them as though they were a threat to me. It embarrasses me to admit I once felt that way.
Now when I hear such statements I think of the transgender people I know and am livid that someone is saying those things about them. One transgender woman in my circle recently admitted she has felt more self-conscious and has picked up on subtle animosity in spaces where she once felt safe and free to be herself. That breaks my heart.
When I push back at the transphobic statements of people I know I am doing so from a place of having once been that person. I want to see the people I love repent and be the loving, accepting people I know they are capable of being just like I once needed to do. They would argue they do not hate transgender people and are not transphobic. Some of them know or are related to transgender people towards whom they feel great fondness. But it doesn’t matter how warmly you may feel: dismissing someone’s identity, banishing them from your presence when they haven’t done anything to you is hatred. It is wrong. You are better than that.
I know, because now I am.
2 responses to “I Get It, and I Wish I Didn’t”
I push back, but only as much as my knowledge allows me to. In other words, I don’t know enough about what it means to be transgender (with or without gender reassignment) so I can only voice my support with very little knowledge to back up what feels right to me. I honestly only understand the word new to me cisgender in a very rudimentary way. What I do know is this, I support who my friends are and how they identify and I would voice my support in a restroom when needed. What I do know is that I’ve always thought we should just have stall oriented unisex restrooms in public places anyway.
Someone asked me would I stand up for someone in a restroom and I said I would voice my support. The same person then challenged me asking if I would I be willing to get hurt…and to be honest that really caused me to hesitate. I’m not a violent person, not a big person, not a physically agile person – I don’t know how I would physically protect someone even though I can say I would try. That answer did not go over well as then I was accused then of not really caring because I didn’t just automatically say yes I would be willing to be hurt to protect someone being bullied in a restroom.
The ONLY thing that truly frightens me is the homophobic, transphobic community (both men and women) who are wanting straight, violent men to POSE as women in restrooms and physically/emotionally threaten any female using a restroom in a public place that does not fit their heteronormative ideal of “woman.”. They have added a fear element that I did not have before…I fear for my trans friends, my female friends, myself and anyone using a restroom designated as “women’s room” because of them.
I have those same fears. I didn’t fear predators or violence in restrooms before. Now these transphobic people have put me on edge.
One trans person said they have gone back to avoiding public restrooms altogether. They hold it for long periods and only go at home. No one should have to do that, nor should they have to suffer the indignity of using a restroom that doesn’t match their gender identity.