When you survive a shocking loss your world comes to a screeching halt. There is the pain, dealing with the aftermath of the pain, and dealing with the pain’s return as it cycles through. But other people don’t stop wanting things from you. I saw that happen today when someone asked a person who had just experienced a loss when they were going to complete the project they had started. Before the grieving person could respond (and who knows if they will?) others jumped to their defense, telling the questioner their request was inappropriate given the circumstances. The questioner was undeterred, insisting that since the person was meeting certain contractual obligations they could reasonably be asked about this other, non-contractual project the questioner had been looking forward to enjoying. Their tone-deafness blew me away.
That is the problem with grieving though. The rest of the world keeps moving. People keep wanting what they want, whether you are obligated to give it to them or not.
How dare they?
The other problem is we never know what someone is going through. In this case the grieving person had been open about their involvement in the situation, so anyone who knows them or knows of them knew the current turn of events is traumatic for them even before they went public with their grief. But on a day to day basis people experience losses which we may never know about. That’s why it pays to be kind to people when you ask anything of them, contractual or not. You never know what they are going through.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle [Ian Maclaren].”
2 responses to “Life Goes On, and That Is Annoying As Fuck”
So true! Our culture has become incapable of engaging with grieving on the public level. (It’s problematic enough on the private level, but that’s a different post.) This is especially true in the work environment because “recovering from loss” is not usually recognized as a legitimate reason for personal time off, nor is the time allotted usually sufficient to do more than get through the initial shock. Just showing up, bathed and dressed and able to engage in modest conversation can be a major victory.
Will stop now before I get a full-fledged rant going.
You said it very well. I am fascinated by an article I recently read about a culture where people’s loved ones lie in state in the family home sometimes for over a year before they are interred. It depends on when the family is ready to let go. Of course comments I saw from Americans were mostly some version of, “Ew.” I like that other culture’s respect for death and grieving.