I am afraid.
People looking at my life probably have no idea I live with anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. In fact, I didn’t realize my feelings are anxiety until a year or two ago. I had always been told I think/worry too much and should “just stop”. Just like with high functioning depression, my feelings were reduced to orders to adjust my attitude, and I accepted that viewpoint.
I have tried adjusting my attitude. I am still afraid. Afraid of failure, pain, loss, loneliness, letting others down, and whatever boogeyman is the opposite of the positive things in my life. It is a hyperawareness of life’s fragility which manifests as a nearly ever present knot in my gut.
Tonight I feel anxious for no specific reason. Goodness knows I can name any number of concrete reasons to feel anxious, which is how I know this is generalized anxiety, not a specific situation. I had a quiet, fulfilling day followed by a quiet evening at home with my love. I took my meds and vitamins. We had dinner. I had a lovely post-dinner nap. Our bills are paid. We are healthy. And I am anxious.
Now that I understand I am living with anxiety, I have given up hoping I will get to a point in my life where I will not worry so much. It doesn’t keep me from functioning, though it slows me down sometimes. I have learned to cope with it in healthy ways and be kind to myself in the process. That is the best I can do, and given my upbringing that is pretty damn amazing. Go me.