I watched a video this morning about Oprah’s Legends Ball some years ago, which she ended with a gospel concert. People were emotionally moved by the music and the spontaneous participation of several legendary singers in the audience. It reminded me of growing up amongst black pentecostals, when any and every occasion to do so was turned into a praise and worship service, if not an altar call.
I miss being able to believe in what they were singing. I don’t miss the emotional response; I still get that same response when listening to gospel music (or singing kirtan or hearing classical music that moves me to my core). What I miss is singing about Jesus in that way and actually believing there is an all-powerful god out there doing all of that good stuff.
My relationship with gospel music (and CCM, though I was never moved by CCM as deeply as I was/am moved by gospel as sung by my fellow African-Americans) is complicated, because I did not grow up listening to it simply as an art form that moved me with its beauty. Unlike classical or any other kind of music, I grew up listening to and singing gospel music as an extension of and expression of my beliefs. Now that I no longer have those beliefs, I have a hard time appreciating gospel music in the context of a real world where I and people who look like me are targets for racism and the bullets of vigilante white men, not to mention overzealous law enforcement officers who shoot to kill fleeing brown bodies without first trying to immobilize and question us. What is the point of believing, if the belief does not transfer to obvious, supernatural intervention when I most need it?
I believe in my own ability to move past challenges, because I have a history of doing that. But I had to let go of my belief in supernatural intervention as described in the gospel music I grew up with when I realized reality just did not measure up to the lyrics in those songs. Except for brief periods here and there, that has ruined my enjoyment of gospel music for the time being.
But I keep my gospel music collection, because I hope some day I can find a way to enjoy it, again.
4 responses to “Reality Crippled My Appreciation for Gospel Music”
Reality can be a sobering experience- but also powerful. The supernatural exists, but in a form entirely different than the moderated, carefully directed forms dictated by religious belief.
I am reserving judgement on the existence of the supernatural. No doubt it does not work the way I was taught, but I am open to seeing how it actually works, if that is ever revealed to me.
There is quite a disconnect, isn’t there, between what you’re taught in church and what is really the real world. Here’s what I think: I think that God is WAY bigger than what we are taught in church. I struggled with that disconnect, too, and finally had to agree to disagree with some of the things I was taught and just figure things out for myself. I think you can still enjoy your gospel music and worship God (or whatever name you choose to use) apart from what you were taught in church. God made you and knows you. He/she made you perfectly and as such I think that you could worship however you see fit. I think God accepts people for whomever they are and however they come to him/her.
If God exists as a sentient being, something I doubt but do not rule out, I completely agree with you. I am not concerned with the issue of worship, though. I would just like to be able to enjoy gospel music and the emotions it stirs in me without the burden of my past conditioning ruining it for me. I hope that at some point I will be able to do that.