Backstory: in the mid-90s I was an unhappily single Pentecostal Christian who was made even more miserable by the standard fare written for single Christian women at that time. It all prescribed unrelenting cheerfulness and hopefulness as the “right” way to be single while patiently waiting for God to magically drop a suitable partner in your path. I may have been a devout Christian, but I also devoutly believed that expectation was utter bullshit. So I set out to create content that spoke realistically about being a single Christian. I taught myself HTML and learned how to use the web space included with my local ISP subscription. Then almost every month for the next five years I updated my site Reflections Especially for Single Christians with my thoughts. (I stopped updating the site when I finally began questioning fundamentalist Christianity, a process that was long overdue. That’s a story for another blog entry.)
I wrote Smart Love in June of 1996. I had recently begun to understand there is a difference between being in love and genuinely loving someone, and I decided to share my understanding with the internet. (I could just pat that idealistic 27 year old on the head right now. She was precious, even though she didn’t realize it.) 22 years later what I wrote then is as much a part of me as my name is.
Smart Love
20 June 1996
Dear Reader,
Choice or Chance?, by Henry Velez, reminded me of the reason why I firmly believe it is important to recognize the difference between “falling in love” and “genuine love”. These two concepts, which often are mutually exclusive but do not have to be, are covered in Dr. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled. Of all of the definitions of love I have ever heard, his makes the most sense, to me.
Falling in love is that intense spark of attraction, that feeling that the person is “the best thing since sliced bread”, as one friend of mine put it. There is no explanation for it other than “chemistry”. Most important, it is not something which can be controlled. It just happens, like when the planets are aligned on 3 July at 7:45 a.m. after a baby zebra runs through your living room.
Genuine love, on the other hand, is a conscious decision backed by action. It is not a feeling and therefore does not come and go like the wind. It is what you do for a person in order to encourage her or his emotional, physical, and spiritual health/growth. Since it is not dependent on any particular feeling, a person can choose to genuinely love anyone whether they have fallen in love with the person or not. In fact, it is sometimes necessary to do so, like when we are angry at our spouse, family member, or ourselves. We should still do those things which encourage their growth, even when we do not feel love (warm fuzzies) at the time.
Falling in love is chance. Genuine love is choice. The problem I’ve seen is that many people make lifetime commitments and relationship decisions having fallen in love, but not having explored the aspect of genuine love: how to relate to the partner once the “honeymoon period” is over. Once the warm fuzzies have dissipated, the candles have burned down to nubs, and the harsh light of morning shines upon the relationship, too many people declare, “The magic is gone! It’s over!” and bail out of the relationship as fast as their little legs can carry them. But it’s after the magic has ended, as it must in every relationship, that the true business of genuine love can begin. Relationships, I believe, are made or broken based on the amount of genuine love each person practices with their partner. But many people are not willing to hang in there after the magic ends and the first nuclear-level disagreement occurs. They choose not to learn how to genuinely love their partner.
While we have no control over when, where, or with whom we fall in love, it behooves us to make logical decisions about whom we genuinely love. When I was engaged, I fell in love with a number of my male friends other than my fiance’. But while there was definitely that strong spark of attraction and an urge to see where it could go, I resisted it, having made the joyful decision to commit my life to my fiance’. Believe me, life would have been a lot simpler had I been able to turn off the sparks, but feelings do not work that way; they cannot be controlled. We can, however, control our actions. I chose to remain faithful to the man to whom I intended to say, “I do”.
Even now I am dealing with strong feelings of attraction towards men whom I know are not good for me in one way or another. One man is separated, not divorced, from his wife, among other issues. One man has no relationship with God. Another man has a tendency to be very insensitive to other’s feelings, even though he is spiritually everything I have ever wanted in a mate (as far as I can see). To varying degrees, I have “fallen in love” with each of them. But I have chosen not to enter into a loving relationship with any of those men (assuming any of them would be interested in being romantically involved with me), because of the incompatibilities I can clearly see. Frustrating? Yes. Simple to do? No. The best thing for me? Without a doubt, yes.
When we get involved with people who are not what we need in a mate, we have chosen to go with the spark, rather than let our heads in on the action. When we get involved with people who are what we need in a mate, yet who do not connect with us on an emotional level (that spark is missing), we have chosen to leave our hearts entirely out of the process. Finding a healthy balance between the two is not easy. It involves knowing what kind of person you are (being the right person is just as important as finding the right person), knowing what kind of person you need, and being patient until that kind of person comes along. My past relationships were the product of wanting to be with someone and following the first person who came along and “lit my fire”. Yes, they were all good men, in their own ways, but there were some glaring incompatibilities which I would have seen, had I let time test their characters before jumping into romantic relationships with them. The temptation is to grab the first person who comes along, because what if no one else ever comes my way? But in spite of that very real fear, I do not intend to make that mistake again.
Sincerely, Lotus Blossom
Unpublished work Copyright 1996 wlotus
Screencaps of the original page below!
