One of the benefits of learning to love myself is knowing I am no longer undoing all of the love my tribe pours into me. When I thought I was flawed beyond repair and every good thing I or anyone else saw in me was little more than wishful thinking, the love others poured into me did not stick. I may have felt good for a little while, but before long I was back to believing I was physically ugly, my behavior was ugly (which added to my physical ugliness), and I was therefore unworthy of love. I would wish I was loved, but I never felt loved for long. It was like tearing down a structure someone(s) would lovingly rebuild each time. Part of it was due to negativity outside of me—I wasn’t as careful about the company I kept then as I am now—but part of it was because I didn’t love myself. Any love poured into me went straight through me like water in a sieve. I didn’t see it then, but now that I am in a healthier place I see it in hindsight.
Now instead of being a sieve, I am a sponge when it comes to love (and more like a sieve when it comes to negativity, thank goodness). My tribe pours love into me and I soak it up and hold it until I can squeeze some of it over someone else who needs it. My ability to love myself and the knowledge that I am lovable has turned that all around. So while I am grateful for my tribe’s love I am even more grateful for the ability to love myself. That ability is what has made me able to finally take in the love of my tribe. They were incredibly patient with me all of those years I couldn’t comprehend their love. I’m glad I am in a position to comprehend and reflect so much more of it back to them. I still struggle sometimes, but with time and care from myself and my tribe the love I have cultivated for myself wins.
2 responses to “Soaking In All the Love”
I remember a time when I was truly afraid you would commit suicide, because you were so wrapped up in self-hate. I did what I could, but I also knew that you would have to find your own secure spot. When I knew you were past the crisis, I was so relieved that I wasn’t going to lose you. Ever since then, you have grown stronger and stronger in love, and right now I sometimes laugh with pleasure because you’re worrying about something that is bothering you and struggling to find ways to deal with things that only an incredibly emotionally healthy person would even know about, much less bother to engage. I am so glad you made it and so proud of how far you have come. You bring me so much pleasure and you bring me love and I love you, too.
I am smiling really big right now as I fight sleep. (Shhhhh. We won’t talk about that.)
The stuff I struggle with doesn’t seem like a testament to my emotional health at the time. It sounds like I should pay closer attention so I can draw strength in seeing just how far I’ve come.
Things were pretty dark for a long time. I remember. That’s why I am so grateful to be where I am now.
You *would* recognize these things in me. You’ve come a hell of a long way too. Much love to you. Xoxoxoxoxo