I was going to start with, “It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about my own suicide,” but that is not true. The thoughts come whenever I feel I am not loved and accepted by those whose love and acceptance I deeply desire. That has been the case since I was a teen. Before I got treatment for my depression such thoughts were an almost daily occurrence to every wrong done against me. Thank goodness these days such thoughts are rare and rather shocking to my senses when they arise.
I was surprised to find myself thinking that way last night, as I read an account of parents who loved their gay son, who expressed that love to him when he came out to them at age 12, and who also told him God doesn’t approve of him acting on his same-sex attraction. As a result of the constant stream of mixed messages from such a tender age, he set on a self-destructive path of drug and alcohol abuse that ultimately killed him…ironically enough, after his parents, through 18 months of estrangement from him, prayer, and soul searching, had accepted him being gay, so long as he was happy and healthy and back in their lives. He’d gotten clean, reconciled with his parents, then got back together with his druggie friends for a night of fun. The “fun” that night killed him.
As I finished reading I was surprised to find myself thinking, “If I were to kill myself over my family’s failure to accept me being in a same-sex relationship, they will finally get it and stop thinking ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ is a Godly, compassionate, loving viewpoint.”
Fortunately I am healthy enough to recognize that thought comes from the remnants of the unhealthy thought patterns I developed in my teen years. At this point in my life my tribe consists of people, religious and otherwise, who know and affirm my same-sex relationship is just as holy/valid as their opposite-sex relationships. Besides, my family would not finally get it, if I committed suicide. They would explain away my suicide as a bad choice and completely exonerate themselves of any responsibility for influencing my feelings of despair. After working so hard and spending so much money on therapy and anti-depressants for so many years to claw my way out of the pit of depression and disordered thinking, I refuse to waste my life and hard work in that manner.
My refusal to go down that path is not self-congratulatory, though. I recognize my significant privilege in being able to make the choice to live. I had the resources to get treatment for depression and disordered thinking. I had the resources to move to a part of the country where I am surrounded by affirming people and am a member of an affirming faith community. I was a meaningfully employed, financially self-sufficient adult living on her own by the time I realized I am bi-sexual, so when I eventually entered a same-sex relationship I did not have to face my family’s lack of acceptance face to face or with the worry of being thrown out onto the street with no resources, as many LGBT youth are. I have the resources to acquire and maintain a computer and home internet service that allows me to connect to people around the world who affirm my bisexuality as natural and my same-sex relationship as the blessing it is. But even in 2013 in the United States of America, there are a lot of people, particularly kids, who do not have this same privilege. So even if they are in loving families like the young man in the story I related was, when they get the “love the sinner, hate the sin” message from their families, they don’t have the same support network that would keep them from self-destructing or feeling suicide is the only answer to the pain of knowing that underneath their family’s professions of love, who they are and who they love is labeled “unholy”.
When a person without resources has their very essence and right to love stamped “unholy” by the people who otherwise love them, suicide is a logical step in a downward progression through depression and victimization. Even with all of my privilege and support, it was easy for me to have that thought pass through my mind due to my family’s lack of acceptance. I am floored at how much easier it would be for someone without my privilege and support to have that thought, entertain that thought, then act on that thought.
It’s this reality that leads me to want to be a foster parent for LGBT youth and help combat the problem of homelessness among LGBT youth.
Resources on LGBT Youth Homelessness and Foster Care
National Coalition for the Homeless: LGBT Homeless – http://www.nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/lgbtq.html
Safe Schools Coalition: Homeless LGBT Youth and LGBT Youth in Foster Care – http://safeschoolscoalition.org/RG-homeless.html
The Center: The LGBT Foster Care Project (NYC) – http://www.gaycenter.org/families/fostercareproject
2 responses to “Understanding LGBT Suicide”
This is very moving post. As a youth, I found the endless browbeating on maintaining a sin-free life to be incredibly harmful, because one can never measure up. I can only imagine that having an inherent part of your being ascribed as a “sin” is crushing.
I am glad you had the resources available to help you heal. You are an inspiration to me every day.
You are right. I shudder to think of how painful it is to be a young person just starting to figure out who they are, and having influencial people in their life sending the message an intrinsic part of their being is “sinful”. No wonder kids kill themselves. It also makes me angry to think of all of the adults who continue to spread (either through their words or their silence) that message and deny any responsibility when they are confronted.